Nobody's Hero
by kaeh96
Summary: Oneshot: JJ can't cope and turns to dangerous means when Will is sent away. TW: vivid descriptions of self harm and emotions/behaviors associated with self harm.


**A/N: Hey! Thanks so much for understanding everything that's happened with this story. It's not too different from before, there were just some simple wording changes and I finished it! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds and/or its affiliates.**

JJ and Will stood in the airport, gripping each other tightly, as their tiny son Henry was squished between them.

"I'm going to miss you so much. Again." JJ said as she pulled her husband closer.

"Not as much as I'll miss you." Will whispered into her ear.

He looked handsome, brave, and proud in his formal camouflage uniform. The call for him and his fellow Naval soldiers rang loud, and he gave both JJ and Henry one last hug and kiss before turning and setting off for the start of his third tour of Iraq.

* * *

JJ always thought that with each time Will had to go away for work, things would get easier, and for a time that was true, when all Will traveled for was simple business trips. War, however, was a completely different thing. JJ hated the pain of not knowing what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was ever going to come back. She became a different person when he was away; she grew cold, numb, and emotional. Her fellow BAU team members always did their best to comfort her as they watched their friend work through cases as though nothing was truly wrong. She used work to help her to feel something besides numbness, in hopes to find warmth and satisfaction through doing what she loved. This always worked for the first few weeks after Will left, but her satisfaction was short lived, and she couldn't take it.

* * *

The first time it happened was about a month into Will's first tour. She was sick of being numb, of feeling nothing but sadness and darkness. She needed to feel something, _anything_ besides the constant shadow that is the fear of the unknown.

She hadn't dared touched an individual razor blade since her sister's suicide when she was just eleven, but one night she was desperate. She tore apart her shaving razor, popped the blades out, and took one to her ivory skin. She loved the heat of the blood; it was invigorating and refreshing. However what she loved the most was the rush of pain, then relief. It made her hold her breath, and it sent waves of adrenaline and serotonin through her body. She was so happy, and for the first time in a long time, she wasn't numb. She was whole. Her smiles were real, and her long sleeves hugged the cuts the same way Will would hold her at night. She never considered the possible consequences, as long as she was happy that was all that mattered.

JJ avoided getting caught by timing herself. She only cut every few days, and stopped at least a week before Will came home. When they slept and showered together, she made him focus on other things besides her arms. She always wore long sleeves around the house, and wore cute blazers over her outfits at work to avoid suspicion from her coworkers. However, she soon realized that, the more she cut, the more she liked it, and pretty soon, it was an addiction.

She started cutting every one to two days, and dared herself to go deeper; it was the only way she could gain satisfaction. Not deep enough to do any serious damage, just deep enough so that the amount of blood rushing down her arm almost doubled the amount it had the first few times she cut. She started to scar, and the cuts took much longer to heal. She became so good at hiding her secret that it became expected of her to wear long sleeves. JJ knew that when spring and summer came, she'd have to find a different solution.

But that was the future, and hopefully in the future she wouldn't even know what numbness was. She felt invincible, and loved having a secret so deep and being able to keep that secret fed her energy, and made the rush of relief even bigger. It eventually got to the point where she looked forward to standing in that shower with that blade in her hand, and it became a sanctuary for her. She knew it was wrong and very dangerous, but she didn't care. She was a desperate addict, and this was her high.

This led JJ to the realization that desperation can cause even the most grounded of people to do the most insane things.

Will's third tour had certainly proven to be the hardest on JJ. Henry had gotten fairly used to the fact that his dad was very far away and that his mom was scared, but no matter what he would always see his dad again. JJ, on the other hand, seemed to lose her ability to find hope in the situation, as though each time she cut the hope fled out in the form of her blood. Pretty soon she was cutting every single day, sometimes even twice a day, as though she would feel that hope again.

But she didn't. Things only got worse.

She started suffering from insomnia and lost her appetite often. She became a zombie, broken and bloody. She worked even harder in the BAU and channeled her lack of emotion towards work. Her fellow team members noticed her shift in behavior, of course, but her amazing performance drew their attention elsewhere. Her fake smiles returned, except this time no amount of blood could cause them to be replaced by real smiles. She felt detached from herself, as though she could only connect the dots with Henry, work, her friends, and the blade along with the blood that came as a result. She stopped going out with the team after work, and only spent what time was absolutely necessary with Henry.

Her life became a shadow, it was there, but there was no substance. She didn't ever think things would change, that she would get caught or ever get better. Until the unexpected happened.

Will came home early.

* * *

It was a surprise, of course, and she hadn't even thought he'd becoming home anytime soon due to the fact that she hadn't talked to him in weeks.

JJ was at work in the BAU, it was a relatively slow day aside from some boring meetings, and, emotionally, she was having a pretty typical day. She was numb but covered it up with tired eyes, fake smiles, and pathetic excuses. She was buried in a pile of paperwork, mostly case write-ups, when suddenly, she felt a pair of light, warm hands around her waist, she smelled his uniform, then his after-shave. In her ear, she heard the soft words, "Well look who it is." She turned around, lit up, and pulled Will tighter than she ever had in her life. They shared a passionate kiss, and she started to cry.

"My hero is home, finally!" She whispered back.

"Oh, honey, I'm nobody's hero." Will smiled at her.

They heard the claps and cheers of the rest of the BAU, but drowned it out as they held each other closer than ever before, as though it was the last time they'd ever be together. Ever.

* * *

The next morning, JJ woke up and, curious as to whether or not the previous day's events really happened, she dared herself to move, to sense the presence of another person in the bed next to her. The second she moved her leg and felt Will's, she fell into a state of bliss. Her naked body further confirmed her hopes, and a hickey on her chest and Will's arms wrapped around her tiny waist only added to her comfort. She actually couldn't believe that her soldier, her hero, her lifeline, was home. Then, the horror hit her.  
Her arms. How would she explain the dozens of marks on her forearms? The only way she'd gotten away with it the previous night was she kept Will occupied, but now, in such a vulnerable state, she knew there was a very, _very_ slim chance that he wouldn't notice the cuts and scars that littered her smooth ivory skin. It didn't even matter that she had cuts; the fact that she had scars in such a telltale pattern spoke the truth for itself. If she got up and took a shower, he'd wake up and notice, most likely wanting to join her. If she moved her arm under the pillow by lifting it, he'd be disturbed and the horror would be right in front of his face. If she tried to reach for her sweater or his shirt, he'd wake up and notice.

So, she instead tried to think of excuses that could possibly explain such an odd pattern of injuries. They didn't have a cat, so that was out. If she'd fallen, the cuts wouldn't be as deep or precise. Nothing that happened on a case would have caused them, so she decided to face the fact that she was screwed.

'_Well, shit.'_ She thought as she lay in bed under the warm morning sun, waiting for Will to wake up and ask questions.

The last thing she'd wanted was for him to come home to such solemn news, but she didn't want to lie and knew she wouldn't get away with the same lame excuses at home as she did at work. Her train of thought was interrupted when he started to stir. She came out of his grip and turned to him.

"Good morning, how'd you sleep?" She asked softly, putting on the most angelic and innocent smile she could manage.

"Well, hello sunshine. I slept better now that I'm with you." He looked into her eyes, flooding her with love and life that she'd so dearly missed.

She couldn't do it. He was so happy, so cheerful and optimistic. However, she also knew that the longer she dragged things out, the more hurt he would be.  
She took a deep breath and said,

"Sweetie, there's something I need to tell you…"

* * *

They sat in the psychiatrist's office, JJ's leg shaking and her stomach doing somersaults. She couldn't believe she was actually doing this, opening up to a complete stranger about what was probably her darkest secret. Yet here she was, and she was scared to death.  
"Jennifer Jareau" A woman with black hair, blue eyes, and porcelain skin called out. As JJ stood, she noticed that the woman looked like a cross between herself and her dear friend and former teammate Emily Prentiss. Maybe that would make things easier.

When she told Will about what had been happening yesterday morning, she didn't get the response she'd been expecting. She'd expected anger, loss of trust, and for him to start treating her like a crystal vase that could shatter at any moment. Instead, he'd been extremely hurt, sad, and compassionate. She didn't know which was worse. The part of telling him that had been hardest was showing him the lines across her wrists, because when he looked at the red marks, a look came across his face that made her heart shatter into a million pieces. He looked as though she'd hurt _him_ more than herself, as though she'd taken the blades to his own skin. JJ, of course, never thought that anyone would even care that she did this to herself. At least, not when Will was gone. It's as though when Will returned, all her sanity, warmth, and compassion returned. Everything made sense, and she hated herself for being so stupid and pathetic.

They settled into the lovely woman's office, sinking into the squishy high-end black leather couch. Then, their session began.

"Hello, Jennifer, my name is Sarah, Sarah Morrisey, and I'm going to be helping you. How are you today?"

"Hi, Sarah. I'm well, thanks."

Sarah asked JJ general questions about her hobbies, her experiences, and her work. Then she got to JJ's past, and when the subject of JJ's siblings came up, she went from feeling relaxed and easy to nervous and sensitive.

"What was she like, your sister? What was her name?"

"Her name was Rosaline, but everybody called her Roz. She was sweet, fun-loving, adventurous, and kind hearted. The kind of person lots of people look up to and aim to be. A good person."

"Adventurous, how so?" Sarah gently prodded.

"She uh, she always wanted to travel the world. Paris was her main destination."

"That's nice. How old were you when she died?"

"Eleven, and she was seventeen. She…she um, committed suicide."

Sarah gave JJ an apologetic and concerned look, and continued, "Do you mind my asking how she died?"

"She cut her wrists with one of our dad's razor blades. I was the one who…who found her, the next morning, in the bathtub." JJ felt herself choke up and she became extremely uncomfortable and memories of her grief came flooding back to her.

Sarah's poster changed, she sat up straighter and look more concerned. JJ knew Sarah was going to start asking JJ about her behavior and analyzing her habits.

Eventually, Sarah told JJ she wanted to meet in exactly one week's time. She also said that she wanted JJ to try and find a trigger for her self-harm, so that they could try and find the root of the cause and put a stop to it. She also gave JJ a screening test that she was to complete, and Will a packet that was meant for his analysis of JJ's attitude, so that Sarah could get a general idea of JJ's emotional patterns.

Will and JJ both knew they had a long road ahead of themselves, and that JJ's recovery was going to be a difficult process, but as soon as Sarah could figure out the cause of all of it, things would start to look up for all of them.

* * *

One week passed faster than JJ could imagine. She only cut herself four times in seven days, which she guessed was some sort of improvement.

They settled into Sarah's office once again, and continued where they left off. Sarah read the paperwork they had filled out, looking fairly satisfied.

"JJ, did you discover what your trigger is?"

JJ nodded,

"Whenever Will goes away, to war I mean, I get very stressed and…detached, and that causes me to crave it…I know Will can't stop going away, but I need something to take my mind off everything."

"Do you mind if I suggest some possible ways for you to occupy yourself?" Sarah asked gently.

"Sure."

"You could; spend time with your son or one of your friends from work, read a book, take a hot shower, paint your nails, watch a movie, go shopping, go for a run or a walk, and call a family member. There are so many different ways to keep yourself busy, and when you're triggered and it can't be ignored, try writing down how you're feeling, or maybe snap a hair tie or rubber band on your wrist. Do those sound okay?"

JJ smiled,

"Yes, thank you."

* * *

With each passing week JJ's addiction eased, and it was one day when she was standing in the shower with a bloody razor in her hand that she realized she'd finally had enough; at this point, she didn't feel anything at all. No pain, no relief, just numbness. She got out of the shower and proudly flushed the last blade down the toilet, never to be seen again.

Will watched as his wife filled with life once again. He watched every single cut heal, and as each one did more light filled JJ's eyes. She came out of her numb shell, gained better control of her emotions, and let herself get involved with everything.

JJ learned many hard lessons, but mostly, she learned how to be happy again.


End file.
